WORST DAY

today.. 18th april 2008.. is the first time in history that we escaped with permission from Mr. Pan, our pricipal of SJS to attend the late Ballang Lasung's funeral, whom is Brian's dad.. we reach the SIB church around 830am.. just nice that the ceremony were about to start.. as i entered the church, i start to feel weird.. and my eye starts to wet already.. but luckily i still manage to control myself.. i manage to control myself even when i shake hand with brian, his mom and sarah, his sister. i was thinking, "hey, im ok!" yea.. maybe for a while? not long after we settled down, quite far behind, the ceremony started with 2 songs and there goes the speeches from Uncle Ballang's sister firstly, then followed by Brian's sis, Sarah. At first, yea, i still manage to hold myself.. still under control, even though row already start raining next to me.. its really like a mental torture for me who is trying hard to control.. but when Sarah starts to give her speech.. the first word from her was, "My dad was a cheerful person, so i guess he dont wish to see everyone crying.. hope everyone will be happy.." something like that.. that was the time that i no longer have the strength to hold myself.. and tears just run down my cheek.. i failed..

and the service went on with the speeches given by other people.. just before we left to go to the cemetery, we went to pay the last respect to late Uncle Ballang.. as we were queueing up, i was still alright.. but as i get nearer to the coffin there.. my heart beat faster and faster.. not that i fear of Uncle Ballang.. i fear that i might lose control of myself.. i really wanted to steadily walk pass by and shake hand with brian they all.. but i just couldnt.. the moment i saw Uncle Ballang inside the coffin.. my tears start to flow again.. he really resembles my dad.. who passed away in 1997, which was 11 years ago.. when i was only 8.. although i was very young back there, but i know every single things that had happened.. are sick people all looks the same? and there stood brian, his mom and sarah.. i was very blank that time, not knowing what to say.. im just like a mute there.. what i can do is just hug them as a sign of encouraging them to stay tough and strong..

actually i was suppose to follow all the way up to the cemetery.. but i changed my mind last minute.. i scared that i couldnt hold myself but cry when they seal the coffin just like the one in my memory.. i really dont like seeing myself cry.. i dont know why.. i've always try not to.. which actually turned me to a cold blooded person.. like when my mom and sis were crying while watching the sad scene from the HK drama, i was laughing at them.. =P

and now.. again.. i just received a call from my mom, who is now in KL again.. aihs.. and there she goes for two months.. leaving me and my sis eat grass at home everyday.. haha.. all of sudden, i feel abit lonely and emo.. lol.. oh well, all i need to do is just bear with it and get use to it^^

and to my friends, sorry for letting u all to worry bout me just now.. especially brian, lynn and jack.. haha.. i'm fine!! dont worry!! and to brian.. must cheer up ya.. we'll always be there when you need us^^