MY HEART IS IN PAIN

my title says it all.. i am feeling the pain in my heart that no one can feels, no one will know how pain it is. due to the reason that this blog is public to all, so i'm not going to say the reason why is my heart so painful. i'm writting this post just to let it out from me, so that i may feel at least, abit better..

i can't sleep the whole of last night. i kept thinking for the reason, why things, peoples, feelings, and so on can change so rapidly? maybe that is God's decision that wants me to grow more mature, to let me go through all these thing so that i will not repeat the same thing again in the future. if it's really God's will, please Lord, take away the pain that i am having now in my heart. it's even more pain than being stab by thousand blades..

i did fall asleep for few times last night. but it was just physically sleep, not mentally. i will dream whenever i slept. my brain didn't even rested. i dreamt of my dad. after 12 years (counting to 2009), i think this is either the 3rd or 4th time i had dreamt of him only. it's quite weird, to dream of him so less. but i was rather glad that, i still remember how he looks like.

i dreamt that he is back to pay us a visit. we are all already know that he had pass away 12 years ago in the dream. so the one we see in the dream probably is his soul or spirit. but he looks real, and looks even more handsome and young. in the dream, i saw him planting flowers with my mom at the side of the house. ya, the house that we are currently living in. they both looks very happy, and i was happy too. i asked my dad, "pa.. why did you cut your hair till so short?" i laughed. but he didn't answer me. he just smiled at me.

then my bro came back with his friend. my bro was so shock when he saw my dad. my dad smiled to my bro too. obviously my bro will be so shock.. cos when my dad was still living time, he used to be just like cats and dogs with my bro. both of them just cant get well. but in the dream this time, my dad opened his both arms widely and slowly place my bro into his embrace. my bro that time was speechless, he had no idea how come dad can come back. then i told my bro in the dream, "hia, this is our dad.. have you forgotten how he looks like?" then my bro just hugged dad tightly as if he will never let him go again..

the rest i wasn't so sure.. if not mistaken, my nephew did saw my dad, and my dad too, saw his grandson. all he did was just smile. i don't know why, how come every time i dreamt of my dad, he will never talk to us? he will just smile.. i told my mom about it, she said, people say dead people won't talk to us in dream. is that real? i really want to know.. does bible have any chapter that is explaining about this? is my dream is really just a dream, or is it my dad really came back to pay us a visit? it seems like he came back to visit us for chinese new year, cos all my sis and bro were back in kuching too..

now i really want to go to the beach so badly. if my mom were to give me green light to let me drive to damai, i'll definitely go once she say ok. whenever i'm sad or angry, i just have the feelings that i need the beach.. i need the sound of the wave, the wind.. to brush off my worries, anger and sadness.. but every time i just cant go to the beach.. so what i did was just keep it to myself. i hope this time i really can go to the beach and let it all out.. i'm afraid that one day i may just break down like that.. i think i'm about to break down, i guess.. my heart is crying, i feels like crying, i want to cry out loud.. but tears just cant seems to come out from my eyes..

now i'm worrying for another thing.. all the one i love will one by one leave me behind.. i'm really very scared of it. my heart can't be so strong to see them go.. but i am now feeling that i dont have a heart in my chest. i feel lonely.. days seems to be very hard to move.. so what i can do now is keep myself busy, keep talking to my mom.. hoping for friday and saturday to reach soon, thats when my bro, sis-in-law, sis, and nephew come back.. so that they can keep me accompanied.. to keep me.. busy..