IT'S THURSDAY

so fast.. today is already thursday. my nephew and sis just went back last thursday. time is not running nor flying.. time is teleporting. just have the feelings that the time passes very fast, especially year 2008. in a blink of an eye, it's already 2009.. and the second month of the year is going to end soon. chinese new year is over too.. and the king tide tonight is over without flood.. obviously.. no rain how to flood.

how i wish.. there's heavy downpour in the next few days.. to wash away my worries.. to wash away.. all my unhappiness..

how i wish.. there's someone or any event that can carve a smile on my heart.. not my face.. apparently, i just found out last night that.. even i'm smilling on face, but not in my heart.. after what happened on tuesday night.. i can't stop myself thinking about the problems im having.. im under pressures.. i feel so stress.. not that people is giving me such.. me myself did.. i give myself pressures.. i was in big dilemma.. don't know which way should i take.. who's advices and opinions should i listen.. i felt so sorry for the one who cares about me, concerns about me.. for i had disappointed them alot.. i am angry at myself for doing things in such a rush.. and made others worry..

how i wish.. i can be as happy-go-lucky kind as last time.. i cant crack anymore jokes.. i cant laugh.. i barely smile.. i seldom talk.. and i became very emotional.. i no longer can hold my tears..

how i wish.. i can play with my nephew baby Adam again.. he's just like my remedy.. he can make me laugh.. he can make me happy.. he can make me forget everything and only think about him.. i miss him..

how i wish.. i have more courage to express all my thoughts and feelings.. so i won't keep holding back them.. which will make me break down one day.. well, i actually did.. twice even.. what's worse it happened in front of my mom.. but i didn't tell her what happened..

how i wish.. there's someone who can share my thoughts, feelings, problems, happiness, anger, and so on.. and be there when i need that someone.. comfort me when im down.. but i guess this blog will be the someone till... i found that someone..

how i wish.. i am more clever and hardworking than i am now.. so i don't have to worry about my future.. and at the same time.. i can make sure my family members will not worry about me..

humans are greedy.. now i can tell you it's true.. many people and some of my friends have been saying how good am i being the youngest in the family.. being pampered.. get what i want.. brother keep buying things for me.. sister keep bringing me here and there to shop in KL.. mom dont nag at me.. no early curfew for me.. but then.. no one's life is perfect. God is fair to everyone. some people will have things that other people will never have and vice versa.. and it is shown above that.. i am a greedy person.. very greedy..

but after writting it all out.. i feel much better.. however, the knot is still in my heart.. when will i able to unknot it, i wonder..